Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
