I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
