im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
