My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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