People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
