do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
