Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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