I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
