i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
