Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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