phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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