I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
