Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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