I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
