Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
