shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
