4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
