One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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