I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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