I accidentally burped into my bong.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
