flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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