I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
