1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
