been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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