You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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