I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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