We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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