opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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