I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
