sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
