I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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