a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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