My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
