i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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