im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
