Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
