haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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