apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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