Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
