I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
