dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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