I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
