I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
