I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
