My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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