I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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