Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
is that a dick in a sweater?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
