As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
