Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.