i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.