That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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