just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
