Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
