who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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