I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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