Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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