You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We need to rekindle our bromance
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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