he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
