Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
